I will start with my family’s relationship with music. Mostly, my family just listens to music. I am the only one in my immediate family who can play an instrument (the piano). My grandfather, who passed away a couple weeks ago, was able to play the piano and cello. He played by ear, meaning he didn’t read music while he played. He couldn’t read music, but he know how to string chords together in a wonderful way. My brother would play Lego Rock Band with me. I usually played an instrument and he would sing. This is funny to me because I was in chorus all through middle school and before then I would sing in choir. He has a good voice though, and we always had so much fun playing.

My relationship with music is actually kind of forced. While I love music, I need it to get through most days. I have a disorder called Misophonia. This means I am sensitive to specific sounds. This is caused from a differently wired brain. For me, I have a direct wire from sounds to emotions and memories. I have a lot of negative memories with these sounds and it is almost traumatizing each time I hear it. But you would never know this just by looking at me. I have had Misophonia for ten years now. When I first became aware of the disorder, all my trigger sounds felt so loud and terrifying. My triggers are anything to do with the mouth, nose, and throat, eating and drinking, fingernails, dishes, and continuous beeps (microwave/ cars).

Music has been a safe place for me. 99% of the time, music does not contain my trigger sounds. There are two songs that I have listened to that the singer clears their throat. Why they think this adds to the song is beyond me. When I hear my triggers, it makes me upset. Emotions range from anger to sadness. Because of medications, therapies, and knowing myself, I have better control over my disorder now than when it first appeared. When I became aware of it, sitting at the table with family to eat dinner was worse than torture. I would eat quickly then run to my room to listen to music to try to get the triggers out of my head. It got to the point where I would say I wasn’t hungry, and then eat after everyone was asleep. I didn’t go to family functions, out to eat at a restaurant, movies, almost anything social. Music was my only friend.

As for my taste in music, I prefer songs that have a strong beat and rhythm. They make me happy generally. I like anything that will make me smile and makes me want to dance. This isn’t really a preference for Misophonia, it is just what I like.

I wish I could say that my family has a rich culture that is rooted in music, but I can’t. My family history is bland. I have listened to a number of songs in Spanish thanks to my Spanish minor and four years of Spanish classes in high school. I had a teacher for two years that adored Shakira. We listened to many of her songs.

I loved reading through the responses that some of my classmates had about music in their family. One student expressed how she tends to compare most Hindi songs to this one specific one from a movie. Another one listed out some songs that are near and dear to her heart. I knew two of the songs that she listed because they are pretty iconic. It was great hearing about how music was so involved in their family’s lives.

That’s it for this post! I know that this longer than my last post but I felt that it was important to share my disorder so that it would make more sense as to why music is so important to me. Music has done a lot to help me survive through some days, and I am sure it will continue to help.